Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Daily Squawk: Redefining Canines

Canine Advocates Urge Removal of Pomeranian, Shih Tzu, Others from the Dog Spectrum

Should all dogs be considered equally doglike? Well known canine advocate Darrell Hogarty doesn’t think so. “People who live with some of these smaller breeds have become too vocal,” he explains. Hogarty believes that the enthusiasm of small dog aficionados obscures the problems of real dog owners. “They claim they can live in apartments and condos. The general public is starting to think that dogs like my Rotweiller don’t need large fences to keep them from bolting.” What’s worse, Hogarty says, is that the claims of small dog owners that food costs and training needs are manageable may keep the owners of real dogs from receiving the services they need.

People are starting to think that dog ownership is some sort of ‘cutesie club.’ It’s anything but that,” adds the canine advocate who prefers to be known only as WTF. “It’s not that I have anything against them. I have a toy poodle myself, but I can tell you he’s no dog! My Saint Bernard goes through a large bag of Purina Dog Chow each week. Who can afford that?”

Poop is a major problem for the owners of real dogs, too. Canine advocates point to the statistics or rumors indicating that nearly 80% of canine affected marriages fail due to arguments over whose turn it is to scoop the yard. “I’d like to invite any of these diversity loving types to come over and give my dog a bath,” declared WTF. “But you don’t see the Dawgz R Lovely crowd lining up to give it a try, do you?”

Those who prefer keeping small dogs as part of the spectrum are quick to point out that the Chihuahua’s bark can be as disturbing as that of a Weimaraner. Small dogs sometimes bite, too, explain diversity advocates, some of whom reject the words “pet” and “owner” in favor of more radical terms like “companion.”

Claims that size shows no correlation with ease of training do not impress Hogarty, for whom defining a dog is a simple matter. “It’s just common sense. Is it bigger than a dirt bike? Can it be used to scare people? That’s a dog.”

Hogarty adds that removing these smaller, cuter breeds from the current definition of “dog” could go a long way toward solving the canine overpopulation problem. “Of course their numbers should still be counted when new pounds and shelters need to be built,” he added. “We ought to get some use out of them, eh?”

All kidding aside, there are many dogs and other animals in need of homes. If you are thinking of sharing your life with an animal, please consider adopting, not purchasing from a store or breeder. Spay or neuter your pets, and if you are able, please consider a tax deductible donation to American Animal Rescue Society. AARS depends on its volunteers and foster homes; 100% of donations go to animals in their care.


  1. Thank you! Joanna thanks you and the animals thank you! Baga!

  2. Thank you once again Bev, your clarity is most stunning!

  3. You completely had me at the "owner known as WTF" reference :-)

  4. OMG Bev, that was too funny. And dead on. I loved it.

  5. I really wish the bit about tooth extraction was just a joke.

    Many thanks. The Daily Squawk has been tweeted.

  6. Yes, I remembered that point from your writing on the "advocate" who suggested it, Michelle. It's not the sort of thing one easily forgets...

    Thanks for the comment and the tweet!

  7. This was so clever I can hardly stand it. Too bad the people who should be awakened but such fabulous satire would most likely miss the parallels. Invincible ignorance or is it militant ignorance??

    ... anyway ---masterfully executed.

  8. Something tells me Mr. Hogarty is not going to be amused. (But I am.)

  9. I'll never again be able to look at a photo of a certain "advocate" without picturing Squawkers in wig and pearls.

    Fantastic satire!

  10. "Toy poodles are not dogs," insists canine advocate WTF, even though the American Kennel Club has never said that a toy poodle is a type of dog. (Although it's early yet, the AKC seems to think that "toy poodle" is a hunting style found in some dogs and other non-dog animals, such as the Gambian pouched rat*). Nevertheless, WTF uses the argument that toy poodles are not dogs in discussions where most of the animals are cocker spaniels, greyhounds, Rottweilers and German Shepherds.

    It's extremely difficult to know what a toy poodle is, because acording to WTF all the breed books about them are wrong. Also, all the toy poodles except hers are really cocker spaniels, greyhounds, Rottweilers and German Shepherds. (One purebred toy poodle who doesn't fit WTFs definition of "toy poodle" responded to the controversy by taking a nap inside Paris Hilton's purse).

    So, if all the toy poodles in the breed books are really Jack Russell terriers, cocker spaniels, greyhounds and Rottweilers, doesn't that disprove WTF's argument that these breeds are not all dogs?

    WTF could not be reached for comment.

    *I know Gambian pouched rats are herbivores. But they are cute, and some of them are about as big as very small dogs, if not bigger.

  11. "One purebred toy poodle..."

    "Purebred" was the wrong word for me to use. What I meant was that this particular toy poodle has been examined by a reputable breeder who did lots of sensitive tests and identified her as a toy poodle. This does not mean she doesn't act like a chihuahua on occasion, or that she doesn't get read as a Pomeranian or a Doberman Pinscher sometimes.

  12. Very funny satire, Bev! I wish I could be as good as you are. Here is a link to my posts under the satire tag. Enjoy.

  13. I love the uh, warp and woof of what you weave, Bev. This is superb.

  14. The sort of sad thing about this otherwise hilarious satire is that I'm sure if I showed it to my husband, he would take it totally seriously. He's always saying that little dogs aren't *really* dogs. But I loved it.

  15. "Is it bigger than a dirt bike? Can it be used to scare people? That’s a dog.”

    OMG, that is absolutely my definition of a dog.

    (Please excuse this intrusion of the literal into your fabulous satire.)


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