Häagen Dazs Vanilla Swiss Almond Found "Not Helpful" in Treatment of Autism

Following on the heels of the shocking news that the prescription antidepressant Celexa® does not cure autism, scientists have discovered that the highly touted Häagen Dazs Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream also does little or nothing to quash the intense focus on narrow, restricted interests associated with the disability. Dr. Martin Geiger announced Tuesday that a group of autistic teens treated with HDVSA failed to become indistinguishable from their peers in what he described as a “totally random controlled experiment.”

The scientific community first showed interest when Flossie McVey, a young autistic woman living in Dubuque Iowa, lost interest in her collection of stainless steel rotisserie forks after consuming two pints of the rich and reportedly awesome dessert. Upon further investigation, McVey was determined to have simply fallen asleep. Undeterred by this apparent setback, researchers carried on with the two year study. Participants gained an average of twelve pounds, but continued to study ceiling tile designs and to watch reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation at the same rates as those who ate only Dryer’s Double Vanilla Bean.

All hope is not lost, according to Dr. Geiger. “Häagen Dazs is working on a new Acai Berry flavor, and we have high hopes for this. The berry has gained enormous credibility through its repeated appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show.”