Missing...

You disappeared again. I’ve heard the accusation many times. Connecting with an old friend, I swear to myself I won’t do it this time, but chances are, I will. My social needs seem much less pronounced than those of most people I know. Other times I crave companionship, but find myself unable to move toward it, stuck. And the urge passes, I am happy again with solitude.

At parties or gatherings, I am the one at the edge of the property, brushing the grass, arranging the stones. I am the one on the sidewalk, in the street, gone out for something someone might need. I once had a group of friends who tagged me “the stroller.” She’s gone on one of her strolls, they’d say, knowing I’d be back eventually for a few minutes at a time, as much as I could stand.

When I wandered away from this blog, that was accidental. I hadn’t realized how hard I would find the many transitions I had scheduled for September, starting graduate school, starting a new job, moving to a new place. I wandered away from myself this time, and I’m not sure how to get back. Writing Asperger Square 8 is important to me, it’s become a part of my identity and I don’t feel exactly complete without it. Still I wonder how I’ll find the time, and whether or not I have anything left to say. Afraid showing up here at all is akin to making a promise I might not be able to keep.

So I’ll approach it the way I go into a presentation. I never know if it will work or not, if words will be available to grab one by one and assemble into sentences, if those sentences will communicate what I mean. I do it anyway, sometimes telling the people who come to listen, things will go wrong and this is a part of the story. The true picture of what autism means in my life cannot leave out the fluctuations, the disappearing and reappearing of interests and abilities, the uncertainty of so many things. I am here today, and I have something I want to write about later this week. Whether I’ll follow through with that or not or disappear again remains to be seen.

I want to say thank you to everyone who commented here or emailed me to ask if I was okay. I’m sorry I didn’t answer until now. I’m sure I’ve lost some readers; I appreciate those of you who still check this page from time to time. To one faithful reader in particular: Baga! I hope to write again soon.